Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Something I Fear

Every night I find myself at the french doors looking out at the yard. At the trees now full with their glossy, green leaves, the grass and brush coming back to life, the sky with it's fluffy clouds you just don't get in winter. Everything is so beautiful and I love looking at it but it's all tainted by my little fear.

Fear that the next glance to either side will show FOB standing there or in a car, watching me. It's the fear of him coming back into my life. It's not him I'm afraid of. Sure he's aggressive but he's not stupid...not always. I guess it's more the fear that if he tries to come back into my life, I won't be able to get rid of him. I feel like I have no protector. I hate to say that it feels much more safe with a tangible person standing by me than it does knowing God is watching over me, but it's true. I can't help the way I feel. I need to start praying every night that FOB stays away.

And I feel like I should change my phone number for added measure. Once I get my own place, it'll be a bit easier because then FOB won't know where I am. I also need to buy some white spray paint to cover the black part on my car. Random strangers know my car. Having a little black piece on a white car is as bad as having a very distinct detail done on a vehicle.

I try not to think of it, though. But every night it pops back up. I'm scared that if I think of it too much it'll become a nightmare. I just pretty much pretend FOB doesn't exist. If I do, then the world feels a little darker. I also have to keep myself from thinking about the fact that my baby is made up of parts of the guy. When I do, I start feeling sick and am a bit revolted at the thought that FOB is in me. And that's a horrible thing to feel when thinking of your baby!

If I work at it, I know one day I won't really thing of the guy at all. That'll be nice. But part of keeping him away will mean me moving at least out of town, if not out of state. FOB is a lazy man when it comes to his children (and quite a few other things in his life). If it takes more than just picking up the phone or talking to one person, he doesn't bother. That's a reason he doesn't see his daughter more than just on holidays. It takes too much effort to schedule meetings. I believe he really doesn't care about any of his children except his son (his oldest child).

I can only hope and pray that I never have to deal with him again.

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