Friday, April 29, 2011

Pad Thai

So I got the noodles for Pad Thai and didn't realize they'd need so much time to soften. Thirty to forty-five minutes! Soaked them for 30 minutes and they were still pretty hard. So I soaked them a little longer. They were just a touch softer but I thought that was what the package meant when it said soft but firm.

Started to cook them and then figured that they needed to be softer so I cut the wok off and poured enough water in there to cover the noodles. Let it set for 10 minutes. After that they were still too hard. Another 15 minutes.

After that it was well after 8:30pm and I was getting frustrated so I just went ahead and began cooking them again. A lot of the ones that were still fairly hard softened up some, but the ones that had already softened became mushy.

When everything was cooked I put my serving in a bowl and poured lime juice on it and then sat in the TV room and took a few bites. I got a particularly mushy bit and just couldn't eat it anymore. The consistency was just awful! My stomach immediately began feeling queasy.

I might add that all I've eaten today are four pieces of toast made into cinnamon and sugar toast, a chicken strip, 4 or 5 pieces of sweet potato waffle fries, maybe 1 1/2 cookie, and a banana. It's annoying how few foods I can eat right now. Grr!

Oh and off topic of the post but I realized yesterday that when I lead forward while sitting it begins to hurt on my right side down there. Any pressure or pinching I feel is always on that side. It's also the side the midwife found the heart beat. So me and my mom figure I'm pushing on the baby and all when I sit forward and all. Kind of funny but is also annoying cause I sit forward a LOT.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


My mom decided she wants curry tomorrow for dinner. The mere thought of it makes me want to run to the bathroom and get rid of the mango and sweetened coconut rice I just ate. Uuuugh!

In the previous post I mentioned my food aversions. Asian food is at the top of that list. I don't know why either. It's my favorite ethnic food. It's not fair. 

The Baby

I think it's time for some all out happy stuff on here!

So I try not to talk about it too much to those women I know on message boards and in real life who are pregnant, but had it not been for my lack of a period, I would not have even suspected I was pregnant.

You see, to begin with it was the second week after my last monthly (which was the last three days of January). Valentine's day was the beginning of the 2nd week. Normally around that time I'm getting all sorts of creepy attention from guys both cute and not so cute. This is always odd to me seeing as I am overweight and most men won't even give me a first glance. But a week before my period I'm like freaking Aphrodite! I hate it. One time, as I was walking into Wal-Mart, this guy was on his way out and looked at me then when he did the double take he literally stopped right there, smiled real big at me and said, "Hey." I was like *nervous laugh/grin* "Uh, hi," and I walked on. Then another guy was full on staring at me as I walked by and he was with his really pretty, fit girlfriend. And another guy! I'm thinking these people are insane! I'm wearing jeans that are two sizes too big so they are all hanging on me and I'd chopped them off at the knee for summer. I was wearing a HUGE ratty old t-shirt that I smuggled away from my ex when I was still with him and never gave it back. And I was in pig tails and only had yesterday's mascara on (of course with the racoon stuff all cleaned up). I looked like crap. But for some reasons these men were all oggling me like I don't know what!

Well this time I wasn't getting out much so I didn't notice. But then, by the 16th or 17th I started having my normal period symptoms. I was suddenly all kinds of flubby because of water weight gain, my boobs had gotten bigger, I was a little over emotional, and I was wanting to eat more than normal. I didn't think anything of it. I always had these symptoms around this time. But when the 3rd week came and I was peeing like mad I began to wonder. I'm incredibly in tune with my body and I always start going to the bathroom way more often a day or two before the day of the 3rd week after my last period. And my period didn't arrive. I figured, well I'm not on the pill so it's not going to come on the exact day anymore (even though normally it does, even when I'm off the pill). So I didn't start to worry until the end of the week. I didn't test until a week and a half after the day my period was due. When it said positive I thought again about what had been going on and realized that those few nights where I was so restless and didn't get much sleep due to being too hot under the covers and too cold without them was the weird sign. That and the not peeing a bunch.

As more days into the beginning of my pregnancy went by I still had no nausea and I hadn't had cravings since I got my spicy Thai food fix the week after conception. I didn't even feel the need to eat more. The only thing going on with me was I was in LOVE with fruit and always wanted an orange or some pineapple (the more acid the better!) and water was the only thing keeping me alive. If I did not have it I knew I'd die. Sweets had become even more repulsive to me than they already were and because of that I can no longer eat my favorite sandwich at Quiznos, the roadhouse steak sammy. The sweet and uber spicy sauce has no spiciness to it and taste incredibly sweet. And the other repulsion, Asian food. I love Asian food. Thai, Korean, Chinese, Japanese, it's all so yummy! But now the thought of any of it makes me want so vomit. Most notably, fried rice. I'm also having issues with fried food. My baby only wants healthy thing! The most recent craving is mangos! Which I will be having with sweetened rice and coconut milk tonight!

To get start on this pregnancy I had $8 in my pocket. I was on unemployment at the time and still looking for a job. It was the weekend when I found out so I couldn't even ask a clinic to prescribe me prenatals and let me pay later (some do that). But luckily, my friend Shannon told me about Flintstones Complete vitamins. Shannon has an adorable little girl who will be turning 2 this July. She said when she was pregnant, she couldn't keep the prenatals down and so the doctor told her to get Flintstones Complete and take two every day. I had enough money for a small bottle.

Then I had to fill out my Denali Kid Care application and get it sent in and make an appointment at the birthing center (a place where it's all direct entry midwives, I was ecstatic to find out DKC covered them). It took a while for the DKC because I had to have a job but luckily I got one quickly and then just had to wait for my first paycheck.

I almost didn't get my DKC stuff done on time because I didn't know the birth certificate was required and mine is lost somewhere. I would have had to spend some money and wait at least two weeks to get a new one. Luckily the case worse was awesome and tried to get stuff verified on her end instead. At first it didn't go well but that was because she didn't know I was born abroad. Ancon, Panama to be exact. Once she knew that things went smoothly.

By the time that got done I was heading in for my first actual appointment. But before I talk about that, let me talk about the ultrasound which was done a week before at an imaging place in town.

Two weeks or so before my appointment I had some bleeding, which scared the mess outta me. I called the birthing center to ask about it and the woman said it could be normal if I'd had sex recently, which I had. But she did hear how concerned I was to know that the baby was doing alright and so said she'd fax over stuff to the imaging place and they'd call me to schedule an ultrasound. I got the appointment scheduled for a week before my 1st appointment.

At the imaging center they were behind quite a bit so I had to wait nearly 45 minutes after my scheduled time to be seen. When I got into the room I was instantly cold, despite the warm temperature. It was so bad my teeth were chattering. The woman first did an abdominal one and I saw a blob that was the baby. Then she had me go pee and take my bottoms off and have this pink paper sheet wrapped around my lower half and get back on the table. She then did the vaginal scan or whatever it's actually called. This was better for early pregnancy since the baby was so small still. I was just over 9weeks at this point and baby was the size of a raspberry!

She had to check some stuff just off to the side of the baby and while she did that, I got my first good glimpse of my child. So cute and tiny and it was wiggling from side to side like is was dancing. Well it looked like it was doing the little chair wiggle dance I do when I get yummy food. hands up near the head on either side and wiggling from side to side. I laughed at it. So cute! I got to see the heart fluttering and hear it, too!

When she was done I got some pictures and I left. It was so awesome! And everything was fine. The tech even said the baby was measuring a day ahead. It was 2.9cm.

So then, the night before my 1st appointment I had some more bleeding but I figured out what was causing it and it's TMI so I won't go into it here. But the next day I went to my appointment and my mom went with because she was having to pick up a rental car while her truck was in the shop.

Did all the normal 1st appointment stuff like checking family medical history and whatnot. Talked a little about food. Then the midwife got out a doppler thing to listen to the heartbeat. Took her a while to find it. After trying for a few minutes she asked if I'd felt like the baby was on any particular side. I said that it could be the right side because that morning as I was lying on my stomach trying to sleep I felt a little pressure there. She checked and there it was! Of course my mom started crying. Hehe! I knew she would. But it was a good kind of crying. It's been a week since I told her. I showed her the ultrasound picture and she'd started crying then but more because she was worried about the situation. She asked me if I knew how hard it was going to be and then we got to talking about what had been happening and what I was doing to make sure things would be okay. By the day of the ultrasound she was a lot better.

Here's the picture I show everyone:

Sorry it's on it's side, I don't understand why it keeps doing that. But at you can see, the head is the teardrop thing on top, the two circles on either side are the hands and that oh-so-adorable pudgy thing underneath is the tummy! And that's the front of the baby.This was from the vaginal scan.

I would love a girl but I'll be happy with whatever I get. I've chosen Asa Kay as the girl's name (pronounced Ay-suh). I did have the name Devon Scott picked out for a boy but I'm not loving it so it'll change a lot if it ends up being a boy.

I'll be having the baby shower in July because my sister Katie will be visiting with her daughter and husband and it means I can have both my sisters at the shower. I want to have it in south Alaska but it's all about getting my mom to agree to driving from Valdez to Palmer which is a 3 hours drive or something. We'll be down in Valdez fishing, well I won't be fishing, not after getting caught by the hook every single time. I miss fishing. But yeah, I'm hoping we can have the shower in Palmer or Wasilla cause we might could have it at a restaurant. There aren't any spectacular restaurants in Fairbanks really. Well there are some really good ones but I want something different.

So that's my baby! And another long post. I swear they won't all be so long!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


So I'm posting this now because the best thing just happened a little bit ago with him. I'm hoping I don't jinx it, though. This is the backstory:

Last summer I met him while seeing one of his friends. Now I'd been with his friend since March but his friend had commitment issues and so didn't see us as dating but wanted all the benefits from it. I was only able to get away from the friend thanks to taking an interest in FOB. I was able to tell the friend to leave me alone and FOB was able to back me up cause the friend knew FOB wouldn't think twice about beating on him to get him point across should the guy refuse to do as I asked.

Things were wonderful! It'd been so long since I had a man give me good attention and just be with me. He was so incredibly sweet and respectful of my boundaries. I had to go to North Carolina for two weeks shortly after I started seeing him. While there we talked every day and it was all we could do to not tell each other we loved the other one. It just felt THAT great. Of course I was completely mistaking my feelings, yet again.

When I got back, he met me at the airport with a dozen roses. Things were great for about a month but very slowly he began to change, or really, he began to show his true self. He began talking down to me, making me feel like I was stupid. He yelled quite a bit, he blew things out of proportion, he began to become controlling, etc.

In October I tried to break up with him, but after having spent every day with him (not bothering to really go back to my apartment except for clothes), having to be alone was torture. So I went back to him, like an idiot. But things didn't get better. In November we were in the kitchen talking about cooking and breakfast. I was telling him about how I can't fry things in a frying pan, I just suck at it. So cooking bacon or sausage patties doesn't work for me. I told him how I tried cooking bacon in the oven but it just didn't taste the same. All of the sudden he just blew up! He started yelling at me. "I'm so sick and tired of people cooking bacon in the oven! You DON'T cook bacon in the oven! It's not right. It's like putting milk in eggs!" He went on for a little bit more. I just stood there, somewhat pissed and somewhat afraid because he was yelling. I have a fear of men yelling so I normally gravitate towards the quiet, calm guys.

When he was done I grabbed a towel and went to take a shower. When I was done I was fully angry. He noticed and asked from the couch the conversation went like this:

"Are you angry?"
"Oh gee, I wonder why?"
"Not about the bacon thing?"
"No, not about the bacon thing. I'm upset that you started yelling at me about it. For no reason!"
"I wasn't yelling at you!"
"Then what do you call it?"
By this time I was getting my shoes on because I had been planning to go somewhere before the whole mess. He took this opportunity to tell me not to come back. That was a problem of his, if he was angry with me, he'd kick me out. At this time I still had my apartment but I was busy cleaning it out since I had to give it up because I'd lost my job a month before. So I left and went to a local coffee house to get on the internet and cool down. Along the way I decided I'd had enough and called my mom, crying, telling her I had to move back in, that I was breaking up with the guy. After a while he texted me asking if we were through and I said yes and he asked why and I told him.

For a while we didn't talk, but then in December we started talking again and I started going over to hang out. But I still didn't want to be in a relationship with him. Then, one day, he asked me if I loved him and I told him the truth. I told him that I cared about him as a human being but romantically I hadn't loved him for quite a while. In truth I really never loved him. I was just so starved for the right kind of attention I was fooling myself. He got mad about it and stopped talking to me for about a month. What a glorious month it was.

Then, around the time I began hanging out with this one guy friend, FOB started texting me again. I decided to be nice and chat and eventually began hanging out with him again. Then the day came when I found out the man  refer to as my ex, the only man I've ever truly loved, had a new girlfriend. It wasn't the girlfriend part that hurt. It was what was between the lines of when he told me. He didn't trust me not to try and break him up so I could have him and pretty much by telling me he had a girlfriend he was saying back off. He said we could be friends but he had been treating me like someone I won't mention. But to put it simply, I was someone to be tolerated, not a friend. That's what hurt.

So I went to FOB and asked him if he still wanted to be with me. After a bit of thinking he said yeah. But then one day I went to hang out with my guy friend and this upset him because a rumor had been spread around town that I'd been sleeping with said friend. He started acting strangely and finally, one day I asked him where we stood. According to him we weren't dating. He'd never bothered to say so. We still had been doing things like we were. I found this out the week after I had conceived. By then it had been two weeks since the Three Letter Fun had taken place. I wouldn't find out for another week that I was pregnant.

When I found out, the first thought in my head was that FOB would never know. He'd made comments about how he was never going have another kid. That some stairs or a well place elbow or knee would keep that from happening should I or some other chick get pregnant. So of course I feared for my safety and the safety of my child. FOB says he was joking when he said those things. But that was just the first time he'd said them.

I struggled with doing what I thought was right and telling him and following my instincts and not telling him. Eventually there was a night where he good side showed through and when I got home that night I told him through text, sending him a picture of the positive pregnancy test. He freaked out and called me, already in the first stages of a panic attack. I felt awful for putting him under so much distress. I never wanted that. I managed to convince him the next day that he wouldn't have to pay child support, I'd make sure of that. He didn't talk to me for a few days, though.

When he did, he said he'd like to be there during the pregnancy, which made me cry. It was sweet. But as I had lunch with him over a week later, I saw he wasn't changed at all. He told me about a dream he'd had where we were married and life was good and our child was cute and chubby and had the bluest eyes he'd ever seen. He said at that lunch that he wanted to make an honest woman out of me and marry me if things seemed good in a few months when he got back from his trip to Arizona.

But then he made what he said was a joke, saying that if it was a girl, he wanted nothing to do with the baby or me. But if it was a boy, I'd never get rid of him. I started praying right there that it'd be a girl. Then as he rode with me while I went to the bank we got to talking about things we had to put on hold now because of the baby. I had been in the middle of applying to college for Japanese studies. It requires me to spend a year studying abroad in Japan. Can't do that with a child. He said I could still do that, that there was still plenty of ice on the ground and I could slip and fall, with a little help from him of course. He claimed this was a joke as well. I learned a long time ago the saying, "Many a truth is said in jest," and I'm amazed to keep seeing how true it is. I find myself doing it quite a lot.

I did tell him what I thought of those "jokes" even though it was a few days later when we were arguing through texts. That was the first time I told him I wanted space and I had no feelings for him.

I don't know why I kept answering his texts and believing him when he said he missed me and wanted to really try and make things work. I already knew I'd never marry him or date him, but getting along with him was best for the child. So I tried. But I kept not being able to stick to my guns and allowing myself to act like we were together. But during those times I could tell he really didn't want anything to do with the baby. He always changed the subject of the pregnancy if I started it and pretty much acted like I wasn't growing a child inside of me.

Then one day we had lunch again and he was being a butthead the entire time. Just not talking much and giving off a mopey vibe. At one point he said we should hold off on being in a relationship because he felt that while he was in Arizona he'd sleep with this woman he'd been in an emotional relationship with for years now. This is the woman he once told me about and said that should she ever tell him she wanted to be with him, he'd drop everything, including me, and go to be with her. This was while we were dating and things were still fairly good.

I kept my mouth shut at that point, because all I wanted to do was yell at him about how stupid he was and that he couldn't possibly want to marry me if he felt he was going to go sleep with some other chick. But then, after a few minutes of silence he blurted out, "How can we be just friends when you're carrying my child?" I almost snorted to that.

I told him, yet again, about my feelings and that he really shouldn't talk when he's the one talking about sleeping with someone else.

Things were pretty much like that for a week or two. Then one day last week he pissed me off and I told him I wanted my space and stopped answering his texts. He said ok but still continued to text me in the morning and at night before bed. Then, Easter was the first time he talked about the baby willingly. He texted me and wished me a happy Easter and said to make sure to feed our peanut well. I ignored it. Then, two days ago he texted me with this pitiful text about how sorry he was and how much of ass he's been and he wants so badly to make it up to me but he's not sure if I'll ever talk to him again. I took pity on him and answered him. Then, yesterday I was incredibly bored and so went to hang out with him.

When I got there, he started in on me about seeing other guys. He told me I couldn't do that and if I did he'd find the guy and beat the shit out of him. Then, later he was asking me about why I was there and I jokingly said, "I'm bored." Here's an example of my truth in jest saying. But even if it was really a joke, it wouldn't have mattered. He took offense to it and proceeded to tell me that his name wasn't going on the birth certificate. In my head I was thinking, "I wasn't planning on it anyways." But I was just mad about him trying to tell me what to do. Trying to control me with his aggressiveness.

I left last night when the movie ended and he'd finished looking at a funny blog I'd told him about and he'd put in a video game, saying he was going to go to bed soon. I didn't just up and leave. I got my things together, put my shoes on and told him to have fun to which he replied the same. I didn't rush it, I took my time. But still, when I got home he texted me asking why I just up and left. This must've been the millionth time he's done this. I don't see why I need to make a big show of leaving and explain myself to him. So I ignored him.

This morning I wrote an e-mail to him, laying down the law. Here's the e-mail:

I am honestly tired of doing this. I'm so tired of telling you to give me my space and you say ok and then still text me saying you miss me and whatnot. I'm tired of trying to be nice to you and deciding to hang out thinking it'll be fine this time and then sometime into the time I'm hanging out with you you go and say stuff that bothers me or makes me angry and makes me regret being so nice.

Yes this is what happened last night. First the territorial comment pissed me off. If I EVER find you trying to scare away a guy who has taken an interest in me I will pack up and move so fast it'll make your head spin. You need to get one thing straight, I do NOT marry a guy because he got me pregnant. I find that "doing the right thing" mentality a load of crap and wish parents would teach their children better. Doing the right thing doesn't necessarily mean marriage. It just means taking responsibility and helping out.

Another thing is that I have already decided, firmly, that I will not marry you. I'm sorry but there is absolutely nothing you can do to make me want to be with you. I know my cuddling with you and having sex with you probably confuses you, but I've already told you that cuddling is nice. But just so I don't confuse you any more, there will be no more cuddling and no more sex. Nothing along the lines of a relationship. We are not in a romantic relationship. I'm trying to be incredibly nice because you're a human being and deserve it. You do not want me to be totally honest because I can garantee you, you will not like it at all. So I'm trying to fix things so I don't have to feel like I'm hiding something from you. No more sex, no more cuddling. I don't want it. I've told you two or three times now that I have no romantic feelings towards you. Please respsect that and stop trying to win me over because you start trying and then you screw it up with some stupid joke you think is funny but is not funny at all and it bothers me, or you say something like you're territorial. I will not have you messing with my love life.

Second you were being a butt about my making a joke. You are such a hypocrite. You sit there and make horrible jokes to me and get pissed when I take offense to them but you turn around and get offended by some joke I've made and if I say anything about it you get mad, like I have no right to be angry over you being offended. I'm so tired of that part of your personality. You do it to me and you do it to your son, which pisses me off to no end. You're just like my dad in that way and I loathed it when my dad was like that. It's hurtful to a kid whether the kid shows it or not. And if you want to know why I think you do this to your son: You'll sit there and let's say poke him over and over and over again. He asks you to stop in a nice tone but you just keep doing it. It begins to actually make him mad and he keeps telling you to stop. Finally you've pissed him off enough to make him yell at you which then makes you angry because kids shouldn't talk to their parents or adults that way so you yell at him and punish him. Or lets say you're poking him over and over and he decides to give it right back to you and it begins to irritate you so you ask him to stop. He doesn't thinking it's funny, and keeps doing it. Eventually it pisses you off so you yell at him and shove him or throw him off you or something that's punishing him for doing the exact same thing you've done to him. You can't stand it but the thing is that you've taught him to not quit after someone says stop. And I know this is going to piss you off because you feel I'm telling you how to raise your kid, but I'm not. I'm merely stating an observance.

Another thing is that in order for me to be in a relationship with someone I like to have some thoughts that are solely mine. If they're not ruining the relationship and if they aren't harmful to my partner, I see no reason why I have to divulge every single little thing that's in my head. My depression is my problem and the reasons for it are mine and no one else's. And yes, you are part of the reason I'm depressed but not all of it. The reason you're part of it is because I hate feeling like I'm leading you on by being nice to you. So that's why I'm telling you now that I will never marry you and I will never be with you in a romantic way, ever. If I cannot make it through a few hours with you, what makes you think I'd want to commit my life to you? I'm trying to keep a divorce from happening. You know you would not be able to stand me.

So all I'm going to do to prove to you that I will not ask for child support is to write something saying I will not ask for it and I will sign it and keep a copy for myself and give one to you. Most likely a notary willl not notarize something like that. But if you can find one that will, cool, then you can shell out the cash to have it done. And the second thing I will do is not put your name on the birth certificate. I may not ask for child support but should I go to apply for some government assistance that they feel I wouldn't have to ask for if I got child support, they would immediately find the birth certificate and see your name and everything on it and if they see fit to do it, they will make you pay it. But if your name is not on it, they can't prove that I know the father.

Now, I will never deny you the right to see your child should you want to see it (unless I have a very good reason to say no at the time), but I will not have my life revolve around you. That means if I were to get married and have to move I will tell you, but I will not be asking you. In my mind, no offense, this is MY child. I didn't have to tell you about it and in fact the first thought that popped into my head when I found out was that you'd never know. But I did anyway and I regret that decision every single day. It sounds awful but the reason I do is because of the mess you've put me through over this. I am so freaking stressed out thanks to you that it's not even funny. I can't go a day without feeling like this.

I'm sorry if this made you angry or upset at all but you want me to stand up for myself and I am doing it.


He read it when he got home from work. When he finished he texted me with, "You're right, you shouldn't have told me. Have a nice life Sarah." But then an hour and a half later he texted again and this is what was said between us:

FOB: "So you're gonna leave me off the birth cert. and you don't want anything from me? It's YOUR baby?
Me: "Leaving you off the birth certificate is the easiest thing to do so you won't have to pay child support. I told you the day I told you about the baby that I didn't want anything from you. It's up to you whether you want any part in the kid's life. And for the most part, yes, I see this as my baby because I'll be the provider and it's only been in the last few days that you talked about the baby without being forced to. Before that it was like you weren't even acknowledging it.
FOB: "Cause I don't see the point of having a kid without it." (This was what I got while typing up what my reply was.)
Me: "Not all families have both parents around 24/7."
FOB: "Well it's the way I want it to be." (Now I might mention that he's got a son who lives with the mother and his best friend who married the chick, and a daughter who's in foster care due to that mother being abusive and CPS being stupid)
Me: "Well I'm sorry but I'm not willing to give up my life like that. I don't want to be in a relationship like your ex and your friend where I'm constantly fighting with my partner about trivial things or about what to do about the kids or money. I want a partner who can talk rationally in an argument and not yell and make things escalate. I want a partner who shares my views or compromises about how to raise the kids. I want someone who I can do more things with than watch a few movies. I want someone who actually loves me. I want someone who doesn't sit there and tell me what I can and can't do then expects me to stand up for myself. I should have to be aggressive to be happy. And I want someone who can have/wants more kids. I don't want just one child. I want someone who's kind and thoughtful and  makes me feel safe and puts others before himself. And that's just the stuff off the top of my head."
FOB: "So you're looking for gay guys?"
Me: "Believe it or not, I had that once and I let it get away. Despite his quirks with trust and money and whatnot, he was the most amazing, loving, caring, thoughtful, understanding man I've ever met. He shared my views in nearly everything and we had lots of things we loved to do together. And I know there are others out there like him and are just as straight as he is."
FOB: "Have fun then. Don't ask me for nothing then. You've turned me into a sperm donor. I woulda done what I could to make you happy.
Me: "Don't worry, I won't. And I know you could have tried and that's sweet but we both know we wuld never last and while we did it'd be one never ending battle."
FOB: "That's what I know. It's the way I was raised and who I am."
Me: "I know and that's something else. In order to me with you, I'd want you to change adn I try to make sure I'm never with anyone who I feel should change. That's wrong. I should like who they are already. I'm sorry you had to deal with all this and I hope things go well for you from now on."

He hasn't texted back. I can only hope that's the last I hear from him. Pleeeeaaase God, let that be it! But this is the amazing thing that has happened. For now, at least, he's gone! I'll be praying every night it stays that way.

A Look Back

As if my introduction post weren't enough for today, here's something I wrote the other day when having an itch to write. It talks about the pregnancy from the day I found out to a few days ago when I wrote it. It'll catch everyone up on some main points like why FOB and I have problems.

Just to warn you, the piece is 8 pages long in Microsoft Word, so if you don't feel like reading so much, don't. It should flow smoothly and be at least interesting enough to not feel like a chore, though. Excuse any spelling errors or typos (I know of at least one word that's missing a letter) I am too lazy to go back through and edit it.


I couldn’t be, I though as I climbed the stairs to go to the bathroom, the test in my hands. So many other times I had scares and each one of them ended in a negative. So I couldn’t be. Not possible. I’ve been careful.
A few minutes later I stood in the bathroom staring at that second pink line. My heart, oddly, was beating evenly. My brain didn’t know what to think, really. I just stared at it. Then this crazy happiness bubbled up inside of me. I could get pregnant! I am pregnant! I had worried for so long that I just couldn’t get pregnant. Like I said, so many other scares and yet all negatives. I was told by the nurse practitioner at the clinic where I got my birth control pills from that there’s really only a 24 hour window that conception is possible. Though, thinking on it now, I think mine is 48 hours thanks to two days every month where I’m given creepy attention by all kinds of men who would normally never even look at me. Those two days always happen a week before that time of the month. From all the things I’ve seen about the science of sex I figured that’s what was going on. My body was ripe for the taking and every man could tell. The thought always makes me shudder. I’ve never liked that kind of attention, it irks me. Not to mention it sets off my nervous habit of giggling, which only makes guys think they have a chance and that I like the attention.
Well, after I stood there for a while, contemplating how happy I was and how crazy this all was, I took the test downstairs to my friend. I stood there to the entrance to the living room, the test held in one hand, and stared at her with this silly I-can’t-believe-it grin. Her eyes grew wide and she squealed as she jumped up and ran to hug me, crying out, “I knew it!” It was so nice to have such a positive reaction to the news. I knew I had at least a few negative ones waiting for me down the road. I was going to enjoy this positive one.
Immediately my friend began rummaging around in her storage closet for all the baby books and articles she’d found or been given when she’d been pregnant with her daughter. It was one lump of information after another. My head was spinning by the time I went to bed that night.
The next day a thought hit me like a ton of bricks. What do I do about the father? Back when I’d first dated him things were amazing and I could see myself having a child with him, but now, after all that had happened, I had decided I never wanted to be tied to him in any way, especially not with a child. What the hell was I going to do about it? It certainly put a damper on what should be one of the happiest times of my life.
At first I decided I wasn’t going to tell him. Somehow I was going to make him leave me alone – like I’d been trying to do for weeks by then – and I was going to enjoy my pregnancy and my baby without him messing things up.
You see, a week before I conceived we somehow got to talking about kids and he went off on this spiel about how if I gave him two years to get his crap together, we could have a kid. But he wasn’t, not for any reason, going to have a kid before then. I remember just sitting there, nodding and thinking, There’s no way in hell I’m going to have a kid with you.  No offense to the baby but maybe I should have knocked on wood or something as I thought that. You know how life just loves to play little jokes like that. I can hear it now, “Oh, no kid with him you say? Well, we’ll just see about that!”
Along with the talk about waiting two years, he just had to go on about how he wasn’t going to have a kid before then. He ended up making comments that put me on edge. Comments that meant that if I got pregnant, I’d fear for the safety of myself and the baby. I don’t think he’d ever do anything like that, but he should really learn not to joke like that. I’ve had to talk to him a few times about making horrible jokes like that. They’re not funny and no one but he (or some evil person) would think they are.
I thought I had it decided. I wouldn’t tell him. He’d never find out. If he ever saw me pregnant or with the baby and thought it might be his, I knew I could use this one night where I’d gone and hung out with a guy friend to my advantage. The man thought I was sleeping with said guy friend so it would have been easy to get away with that little lie, especially since the friend had moved to another state and had stopped talking to me.
With that decided my friend took me to the clinic where I get my birth control pills so I could get a confirmation on the positive. Had I money or insurance I would have gone to the doctor’s and gotten a confirmation by blood, but the clinic and their urine confirmation was what I had to take.
I was so nervous. I was happy about the positive, even if there were little negative things in the back of my head. All I could think was what if I’m really not pregnant? I’d gotten so happy for nothing. My heart was beating so hard and I felt like crying at the thought of the home pregnancy test being false. But minutes later I was given another positive and plenty of information about what to do next.
We went out to breakfast then, going to a place that I used to go to every other Thursday with my old boyfriend and his work buddies when they got paid. It was the only place me and my friend could agree on that was open so early.
While there I texted my oldest sister about the news, making sure to put in the text that there was no need to worry and I hoped she wouldn’t be mad. I just thought she was going to feel like a mom and be a bit disappointed in me. Course, the first thing she said when I answered her call minutes later told me she seemed far from disappointed. She was the third person to find out. Before I’d gone to bed the night before I’d called my best friend to tell her. We had talked for a while about how things were going to go and how I felt about it all. Now I got to tell my sister everything all over again- not that I minded.
Later that day, as I waited for my friend to pay a phone bill, I had a three-way call with both my sisters so I could tell the middle one about the news. I felt bad about telling her, though. It didn’t seem like so long ago that me and her were sitting on the floor of my room talking about how she felt left out since I and my oldest sister had a guy in our life. At the time I’d been with mine for years and my sister was married. This whole pregnancy thing was like that talk all over again. My middle sister was in baby mode and I wanted her to have the next child. I didn’t want to beat her to something else so important. At least she beat me to marriage since my long relationship crumbled like so much ash. But all my sister said about it was that she was jealous. Of course, she was always one to hide most of how she felt if it meant that someone would feel bad about the truth. So I don’t doubt the emotions were a bit stronger than jealousy.
After the phone call, all I had left to do was tell my mom, at least, as far as the hard part went. I figured my dad wouldn’t be a problem. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell her so soon. I had to figure out how to tell her in such a way so that she wouldn’t worry. The first step in that was to show her I wasn’t as irresponsible as she thought. I had to start getting things under way so I could get a well-paying job that would enable me to take care of myself and my baby since I wasn’t going to let the father know. I also needed a much better job than the piddly one at the mall. I’d just gone for that job to get some quick cash so I could hopefully take a trip to Ireland in a few months. Guess that wasn’t going to happen now.
Life went by as normal as it had been, with the exception that I knew what was growing inside of me. It was, and still is, odd to think that I’ve got a little human in me. A human that will grow to have their own personality. Their own likes and dislikes. It’s one of the things that I just can’t wait to witness. That and I wonder how they’ll look. Whose eyes will they have? How tall will they be? What color hair are they going to end up with? Course, I could only hope my baby looked more like me than the father. If not, it meant I’d have a little one with black hair and dark eyes with the ability to tan. I don’t really care how they child will look, but I’d just rather it look like me while it’s a baby. I’d gotten used to people telling me whatever baby I had in my arms looked like me. This has happened quite a few times as I either helped take care of my cousin when I was 15 or helped a friend out with their niece or nephew or their own baby. Despite my not being the mother, I still felt a little pride. I want to feel that with my own baby. Well, I know I will, regardless, but I think it’ll just be wonderful to hear people say something like, “Oh look at those blue eyes! They look just like yours,” or even a comment about the hair color being similar to mine.
But as the time kept going by I had the stress of hiding this from my mother, whom I lived with, and the fact that I kept changing my mind on whether to tell the father or not. One minute I’d feel it’d be the right thing to do, the next I’d be angry and remember all the horrible ways I’d been treating and all the horrible remarks he’d made and I’d decide he’d never know! It was the only real stress I had in my life then.
It was a Monday when I told him. I’d just got done with hanging out with him after a week or so of barely even talking to him. It had been a good night. We’d watched a movie and then gone to Denny’s because he was hungry and I wanted ice cream.
When I dropped him off at his place I thought he’d been really good, so much better than all the other times. Maybe I should tell him. On the long drive home I decided once and for all that I was going to do the right thing and tell him. When I got home I sent him a text and the picture of the positive.
It took a while for him to respond but he did so by calling me. He didn’t yell or anything. In fact he did something I didn’t even think he’d do, he went into a panic attack. He kept repeating himself every once in a while about how he just couldn’t have another kid. I felt so bad. I shouldn’t have told him. All I did was cause him grief. I never wanted that for him. As much as I didn’t care for him, I did care about him, at least in the human sense. He isn’t the worst guy in the world, despite his comments and the ways he’s treated me, he deserves happiness, just like most everyone else in this world. He was finally getting back on his feet after years of everything falling through for him. Here I was making him become depressed because he thought I was going to be like the other two mothers of his children and try and get money out of him.
I kept telling him I didn’t want anything from him. I didn’t care if he was in the baby’s life or not. But nothing got through to him until the next day when I texted him and told him, yet again, I didn’t want money from him and I didn’t need his help and that I was cutting off contact with him to prove it. He’d never hear from me again unless he contacted me first. Despite how awful I felt at upsetting him, I felt like this huge weight had been lifted. I’d been stressing so much about telling him and now I didn’t have to think about it anymore.
I can’t remember if it was the next day or that day but he texted me asking if I was serious about not wanting anything from him. I said yes and that to prove it I could try and get it so he could sign his rights over. He said that wouldn’t be necessary, that all I had to do was write up a document stating I wanted no child support from him and we could sign it and have it notarized.
Over a month later and I still haven’t written that damn thing up formally. It’s not that I was lying, I wasn’t, it’s just I’m trying to make sure it’ll hold against the government saying I should get child support should I try applying for some assistance or another. I just don’t know how to go about it.
It took me two days to recover from telling him about his baby. I have a good way of shoving things so far back in my head that I don’t feel anything from them but I know they’re still there. Though it does help that he’s constantly making me angry and so I keep feeling like I don’t care if he’s worried about this because he’s stupid!  I’d like to say that’s pregnancy hormones, but I’ve gotten off easy. So easy that I feel horrible if I even slip into conversation to other pregnant women about my lack of nausea and how I mostly crave water and fruit. While other women are suffering from all sorts of awful pregnancy stuff, I got to keep my mouth shut or else I feel like they might think I’m bragging. Not only that but I’m afraid if I do talk about it too much I’ll get another lovely joke from life. “No nausea, eh? Well remember that bowl of cereal you had for breakfast this morning? No? Well don’t worry, you will in a few minutes.”
Anyway, after the father mentioned the notarized paper, he said he’d like to be there for me during the pregnancy. Course, that didn’t last long. I got an ultrasound a week early thanks to a little bit of bleeding and the lack of symptoms. I thought he might want to go so I let him know. He didn’t say anything back until I reminded him the day before the ultrasound. Then, all he said was, “This is just a confirmation right? Well just tell me how it goes.” I had a mind to drag him from work the next day and force him to look at what he had a hand in creating! But then my anger got the better of me and I didn’t want him around me at all, so I just accepted it.
When I got the ultrasound, my heart was beating so fast. I’d see so many woman already have miscarriages with either excessive bleeding and cramping or just the lack of a heartbeat. I’d had some more bleeding the night before and the lack of symptoms was still eating at me. All the other women I’d met who were due the same month as me went on and on about all their symptoms, which made me feel like something was wrong.
But when I saw the little one up on the screen I nearly started to cry. As the tech was looking for something off to the side, I saw my baby at the edge of the screen, wiggling. Its little hands were just to either side of the bottom of its head. Its little tummy was so round and it was just wiggling from side to side, like it was dancing. I giggled at it, thinking, Silly baby. Course, it’s just normal movement, not like it exactly has control over it.
I felt like it was awful that it was just me and the tech seeing this. How unfair to everyone I knew! They should see this too! Why should I have been the only one to get to enjoy the first site of my baby? Then I got to hear the heartbeat. It was so fast! I mean, I knew it would be but it was still a surprise. I remember wanting to laugh and ask, “Are you sure that’s the baby’s heart, cause I feel mine beating pretty fast.” Despite seeing everything was fine I still was so nervous. What was more amazing was the fact that the baby was facing the little wand the tech was using, so I was seeing its front. I’m sure there are plenty of other women who’ve gotten to see that with the first ultrasound, but I still felt special.
As I left, the tech handed me the photos of the baby. Three from the wand and one from the abdominal scan, which made the baby look like a blob and I couldn’t even tell what I was looking at. Now that I had those, I would be telling my mother. I had made the decision earlier that day. It seemed like since I’d gotten pregnant my mom kept offering me alcohol and having me help her carry heavy things. I was running out of reasons why not to drink the liquor and I never was able to refuse to carry things for her. One of which was a bag full of cans of soup that made my whole left side ache the next day. Another was an incredibly heavy chest covered in brass with dangerous corners. I was so glad when she decided to make her husband and his friend carry it upstairs. It was hard enough getting it into the back of the truck, I didn’t know how on earth I’d carry it upstairs.
I always knew how she would react. Whether it be from worry or from happiness I knew she’d cry. I knew she’d be worried and that she’d let me know. The only unknown was if she was going to feel disappointed in me. Being only 23 and unmarried and the fact that the father was 80% of the time awful, I felt that she’d be disappointed, even though I had tried to prevent it. Sure I wasn’t on birth control, but there’d been condoms. If you’re wondering why I wasn’t on birth control, well it’s the simple reason that I was tired of being on it. I feel like there wasn’t a time I wasn’t on them, but I know that’s not the case. It’s just the years all blur together.  I hadn’t had libido problems like some women have when they’re on birth control for years, no, I wasn’t so lucky. I felt like my body wasn’t normal. I wasn’t allowing it to do what it was naturally meant to do. I began feeling off because of it. I felt wrong. So when I broke up with the baby’s father last November, I didn’t bother going to get more. I’d finished my pack in October. I didn’t think I’d ever be doing anything with the guy after that. But curse my hormones I ended up seeing him off and on until sometime in December when I admitted to him I had no romantic feelings for him and he was upset by it and stopped talking to me for a month. A lovelier month I haven’t had since.
Of course, before I went home after the ultrasound I had to go by the store and grab a car charger for my phone since it had died and I wanted to send a picture of the ultrasound to everyone who already knew. Yes, it went to the father as well. While I got loads of positive feedback all I got from the dad was, “What is that?” I told him it was the baby and said it sounded like he’d never had other kids. He then said, “This is a joke right? You’re joking? This is just one big elaborate prank.” That’s when I got mad and said if he wanted it to be then yes and I reminded him that I didn’t want anything from him so he could walk away any time he wanted. I don’t remember if he texted anything back. But after sitting in the car in the parking lot forever, answering texts from everyone I finally had to head home, the knowledge of telling my mom sitting in my head, making me feel queasy.
So when I got home I told my mom I wanted to talk with her before she went to bed. She ended up coming into my room after she got her clothes for the next day from the guest room. I started out by saying this wasn’t the best situation but I was happy and if she had any negative feelings about it, to keep them to herself please. The look she gave me told me she thought I was being dramatic but that in the back of her mind she feared the worst. Then I pulled the ultrasound photos from the book I was reading at the time. As soon as she saw it, one hand went to her mouth and she started to cry.
She knew who the father was but still asked if it was and I said yes and told her a bit about what had happened between me and him recently. She grew mad and said, “If you ever have anything to do with other than this I will smack the shit out of you.” That just made me laugh, no one needed to tell me to try and cut him out of my life, I’d been trying to for weeks before I got pregnant.
Then she sat down on the bed and hugged me tightly saying, “Do you know how hard this is going to be?” Of course her crying had me crying and through my own tears I said yes and began to explain about all the things I was doing to ensure it would all be just fine.
I knew it wouldn’t help much but it would sink in for her later that I was heading in the right direction. By the next day she had gone from worried to making sure I was getting the vitamins I needed and had all the doctor stuff in order. I know I surprised her when she heard I’d already had an appointment scheduled and I was taking the Flintstones Complete vitamins. When I found out, I didn’t have insurance and only had $8 to my name which was enough for the children’s vitamins.
I later surprised her by how much I already knew about the pregnancy. She said, “Wow, I knew nothing when I first got pregnant.” I just shrugged and said I’d been reading a lot, which wasn’t a lie. I’d already gone through most of What to Expect When You’re Expecting.
With another day or two she was happily talking about the pregnancy with me, but I could tell she was still a bit apprehensive about it all. She still consoles me sometimes about how everything will be just fine even though the father won’t be much help, as if I’m stressing over it. I’ve concluded the consoling me about it is more her consoling herself over the awful situation, so I don’t tell her she doesn’t need to make me feel better, I just let her do it.
The most shocking response to my pregnancy came from my granddaddy. He was talking to my middle sister about it at the time and said something like, “It’s not the best situation in the world and she’s probably very worried about it. She may not have planned it but God did and He knows what’s best for us.” When she sent me the text of what he said I was working at the time and had a very hard time not crying. I’ve been a bit more emotional than normal and the things that really get me to crying are people being supportive of my pregnancy. I feared my granddaddy would be the most disappointed of everyone. Well, he and my uncle since they both are so traditional. I get the feeling part of this is the fact that my grandma passed away last June and that seemed to have changed him. I remember a few days after the funeral I got up to see him wearing jeans. Jeans! I nearly had a heart attack right then and there. I don’t ever remember him being in anything but slacks. And I think that the thought of new life after the passing of one made him at least somewhat happy.
Sometime after all that I got a text from the father asking if we could have lunch together the next time I was able to. This was the first time he’d wanted to see me since I’d told him, so I said sure. While having lunch he told me he’d been thinking and he wanted to do the right thing by making an honest woman out of me. I nearly got up and left right then and there. If there’s one thing I hate it’s people getting married because there’s a baby on the way. To me, that’s a surefire way to create resentment towards a child should the marriage not turn out so great, not to mention it can lead to divorce because both parties are miserable since they most likely feel trapped.
Part of this whole marriage thing was from a dream he’d told me about the day before. He said in it we were married and life was great and our baby was so cute and chubby and had the bluest eyes he’d ever seen. It was a sweet dream but it did nothing to make me feel for him.
He was explaining his reasoning to me and just as I was thinking he could be more okay than I thought he made the worst comment he could make to me. He said, “If it’s a girl I want nothing to do with it. But if it’s a boy, you’ll never get rid of me.” The first thought in my mind was,  “You’re such a bastard!” The next was, “Please, God, let it be a girl!”
Later, as I was taking him with me as I went to the bank, we got to talking about how I had been planning to go to college this fall for Japanese studies and how I couldn’t do that now. He said I still could, there was still plenty of ice on the ground and I could accidentally slip, with a little help from him. I could hear it in his voice he was joking again, but still. I wanted to kick him out of the car in the middle of the road. You just don’t talk about crap like that! I did tell him later that I didn’t like him talking like that and he just couldn’t understand why. The man can be so dense.
Since then he’s asked me to hang out more. I’ve only seen him maybe three times since then. I still don’t want to be around him. He’s said he wants to make things work between us and I’ve told him over and over again that I don’t feel anything for him. I’ve given all I have to give to him and there’s nothing left, at least not for him. But I’m being nice and allowing him to try. I won’t marry him. That’s set in stone in my mind. I just want to see how much he’ll change.
He’s been really nice to me, but it’s nothing like he was when we first started dating last year. Now it feels forced and fake. It feels like he’s just going through the motions. Each night when he tells me goodnight he has some pet name for me like sweets or beautiful or dear one. I’d be lying if I said they didn’t make my skin crawl. Just this morning when he texted me to say good morning, like he’s been doing lately, and he called me dear one, I asked him to please stop with the pet names. To which he replied, “So what it’s back to you not liking me again? WTF?” See how easily he gets angry? I told him it wasn’t that (because the truth was that I’ve not liked him since the week I conceived), it was just that we aren’t dating and the pet names make me uncomfortable.
You see this conversation we had has been on my mind since last week when we went out to lunch. He was really quiet and just ruining my good mood at having such a yummy lunch of salad with chicken and ice tea. I was ignoring his bad mood, trying not to let it get to me. Though it did annoy me that he was acting that way when it was his suggestion we go out to lunch. Why are men such babies? Well, not even that! Babies have an excuse for giving into their emotions, grown men do not, especially if they’re pouting or being a party pooper.
Finally, he just up and said, “How can we be just friends if you’re having my child?” I said, “Is that what’s been bugging you this whole time?” Earlier in the ride to the restaurant we were talking and I was stating something that happened to have me saying me and him were just friends.
I gave him this look and said, “And what were you talking about just a minute ago when you were saying you don’t want us to be official because you might have sex with that chick in Arizona?” That’s right. He’s had this trip to Arizona planned for a few months. He’s going there to get out of town for a bit, to pick up his friend’s kid, and to see the woman he once told me while we were dating that if she ever told him she wanted to be with him, he’d drop everything to do so, even if it meant breaking up with me. He told me a bit into our lunch that he felt we should hold off on being more together until after he gets back from Arizona because he had a feeling he’d end up sleeping with that woman.
I admit I do lead him on, allowing him to think he has a chance with me. Yes it’s cruel but I don’t do it on purpose. I just hate confrontations and I hate the reaction I know I’ll get out of him when I tell him there’s no way I’d ever marry him. I wrote my best friend last night that I’d rather die an old unmarried than ever marry him. Hmm knocking on wood sounds good right about now.
So you see how much of an idiot this guy can be? It’s so frustrating to deal with him. I’ve already told him I don’t want him at any of the appointments and I’m still debating on whether or not he’s allowed to attend the birth. I’m strongly leaning towards him not being there and no one disagrees with me.
I’m sorely hoping he does sleep with the chick. I haven’t told him, nor will I tell him, that if he sleeps with her he’s ruined every chance of ever being with me. There’s already no chance but he doesn’t understand that yet, despite how many times I’ve told him I have no feelings for him. He seems to forget I tell him that by the next day. One day I’d love to have the courage to tell him I just want to be left alone.
Well, needless to say the rest of the lunch didn’t go well. He sat there brooding while I happily finished my salad, ignoring him.  I swear he’s worse than a woman that way. He’s got to blow everything way out of proportion and then stew about it.
This is what I have to deal with. I know my situation isn’t the worst in the world but, for me, this is a struggle. All I want is to be happy during this pregnancy. If the father wasn’t around at all I could pretend the mess with him isn’t happening and be blissfully ignorant in a way.
I see so many other women around town or on the internet who have the support of a loving boyfriend or husband. I see the man being happy about what’s going to come. I even saw one woman complaining about how her husband is controlling a lot in her life right now by asking her what she’s been eating and telling her to go rest and whatnot. I know that has to be annoying as all get out but I wanted to tell her that she’s lucky. It could be like the father of my child who can’t bear to talk about my being pregnant. When I’m with him he normally acts as if I don’t have his child inside me. I hate being around him just for that. I want to talk about it! I don’t want to act like this child doesn’t exist! It does! It has a soul, it has a heartbeat, it wiggles, it wants freaking chocolate chip cookies with ice cream sandwiched between them! It’s there and it’s not going away! I may not be happy about who the father is and this whole situation but I’m ecstatic that around my birthday this year I’m going to be a mommy!
I don’t have to worry about asking anyone to hold this baby because it’ll be mine! I get to teach this child manners and rules. I get to read to them and talk to them and hug them and kiss them to my heart’s content and no one is going to stop me! I’m so happy to get to shape this little life, knowing that one day they will make their mark on the world, leaving it a better place than it was before they came. I don’t think anyone fully realizes that this is how I feel. Even though I’ve wanted this since my cousin pulled my maternal instincts to the surface when I was 14. I have only three dreams. One is to be a wife, the next to be a mother, and the most extravagant is to have something I wrote published.
But right now, what I would love more than anything is a caring man in my life who will put his hand to my stomach and smile at me. A man who will just hold me and let me cry when I feel the weight of the world bearing down on me. One who will tell me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and mean it. The support of my family is so wonderful, but there’s just something about the intimacy between a man and his pregnant wife/girlfriend. It’s something I crave more than the homemade ice cream sandwiches and the mango slices I really wanted last night. There’s nothing like a pair of strong arms around you to make you feel safe and loved.
One day I will have that again, but I keep feeling like that’s so many years from now or maybe that I’m not meant to have that again. That I already had that love and I don’t get another chance. But I’m holding out hope for it, even if it is small. Without hope I don’t know who I am. It’s how I live my life. I’m lost without it.
The only thing keeping me going right now is the thought of the life that’ll be in my arms by the end of this year. It’s for that life that I trudge forward, trying to make the most of this awful situation that’s come with something so wonderful.


Hi, my name is Sarah, though I also go by the nickname of Su thanks to a crazy day back when I was 13. I am 23, live in Alaska and have done so off and on since December 27, 1999. When I'm not living here I am usually able to be found with my family down in North Carolina. Overall, I prefer Alaska because people here just don't care! If you want to wear the same hoody every day of the week, so what! Most people go for comfort than for style, though it's not hard to find both here.

I am the youngest of three girls. My two older sisters are 25 and 29. My mom and dad divorced back in 2001 but it wasn't a big deal to me. My oldest sister, Katie, married her high school sweetheart, Brian, whom she met when she was 15 and they have a feisty 4-year-old daughter, Maddie, who I sometimes lovingly refer to as Moo Moo which was shortened from Maddie Moon (and I've no idea why I started calling her that). Katie is now pregnant with her second child. She will be due a little over a month after I am.

My middle sister, Christina, married a man, Matt, she met during a mission in Nome, AK. They have yet to have any children but their plan is to start trying sometime after Christina graduates college this summer.

Christina, Matt, and my mom are my only family living in Alaska. Everyone else besides two aunts, three cousins, and a grandmother lives in North Carolina.

Well, more about me specifically. I am definitely what you'd call a nerd. I love anime and manga and playing, mmorpgs like World of Warcraft, Guild Wars, Maple Story (this one only when I can't play the other two). I love playing Golden Sun and am currently in the middle of the most recent addition to that story line, Dark Dawn. I read teen fantasy books like anything and everything by Tamora Pierce, some Stephenie Meyer, and Garth Nix. I also enjoy romance novels but really only by Jude Deveraux and Celeste Bradley. I am a pretty picky reader.

I still love the 90s cartoon show Batman: The Animated Series and I own all four seasons. I believe that Kevin Conroy is the ONLY voice for Batman//Bruce Wayne and Mark Hammil(sp?) is the ONLY voice for Joker. I also have the cartoon series Gargoyles, and some Ed, Edd, and Eddy. As a kid I watched Batman, Spider Man, and X-Men. With my dad I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Kung Fu.

Kid shows don't get much better than Rupert, Little Bear, David the Gnome, and Bananas in Pajamas.

I have a crazy memory and a knack for picking up trivial information. Usually if you can name an actor I can name at least one or two movies they've been in. I love retaining some of the oddest information in the world. I'd give an example but thanks to pregnancy my brain has decided to only have me use maybe 5%, thus making me feel like a complete idiot most of the time.

Other than what I've listed, I also love to make little clay figures and write. My clay figures are all under an inch in height. My smallest one being just barely over 1/4 of an inch. I like to test my skills and see how small and how detailed I can make them. I've done Princess Serenity from Sailor Moon, Ichigo Kurosaki in his shinigami outfit from Bleach, Belle in her ballgown from Disney's Beauty and the Beast, Finland, Norway, Sweden, and Denmark from a webcomic called Scandinavia and the World, and a nativity scene for my mom last Christmas.

My writing is mostly fantasy and I sometimes try my hand at romance. Mostly the romance is so I can stop being so squeamish about writing the words for reproductive organs in a naughty context. I'm fine saying them otherwise. Vagina! See, no problem! I do like to see how far I'll go in stuff like that by sometimes dabbling in writing erotic romance. There aren't many of those, though.

I am currently trying to make myself really finish this book series I've been working on since 2002. It's a struggle since I'm crap at outlining to the smallest of details so I usually get to a part that I have no idea about and get frustrated and quit writing for a while.

Other than that, I am a pretty simple person. I have three dreams in life: To be a wife, a mother, and to have something published. The mother dream will be fulfilled by the end of this year. I have a pretty optimistic attitude about life but it's not the easy thing to accomplish, especially right now. Most people say I'm upbeat and I have even been called perky from time to time, which makes me cringe. Perky people mostly irritate me. So while I may be a happy person, underneath I hide this wonderfully sometimes cynical side. Like my loathing of people in general. People annoy me. Well, okay, to be more specific, stupid people annoy me and it's amazing how much they breed. Some people like to say they weed themselves out, but not before they've left three or four clones of themselves behind.

I have been in love once and am still quite in love with this man. Met him when I was 15 and we were together for 4 1/2 years. Even though it's been over 3 years since we broke up, I still think about him all the time. No one has been as good as he has. But I still hold out hope that somwhere, out there, is a man who is as good as or better than my first love and that I will meet him some day.

Now, about the pregnancy. This is my first (and hopefully not last). I found out on March 3, 2011. I know the week I conceived because I am so weird about keeping track of what days I had some Three Letter Fun (my code phrase for sex that I developed last year while working at Starbucks) and what days I had my time of the month and even down to the detail of what the flow was like. I keep track for the sole reason of knowing when my next monthly is and for just in case I get pregnant.

My original due date was November 5, 2011 but at my first ultrasound in early April the baby measured a day ahead so now it's November 4th. Though I know that most likely it'll be about a week later, which means the due date is within two days before or two days after my birthday (Nov. 12). I am hoping for a girl which I will name Asa Kay (Asa being pronounced Ay-suh). Asa means something like born in the morning and also healer. Kay is my mother's middle name. It took me forever to figure out a middle name that worked and when I randomly tried out my mom's it fit perfectly! If it's a boy the name could be something like Devon or Evan. I know that name will change so many times if it turns out to be a boy. The middle name...well I have to have a talk with the father of the baby about that. He insists on it being Sean because it's a family thing for the males to have the middle name Sean. But he already has a son and I feel it's ridiculous to have every kid with the same gender have the same name (whether it be first or middle) in a generation. It's like George Forman naming all his kids George. It might very well end up that I take control and tell the guy to F off that I'm naming the kid whatever I want.

The father of the baby (FOB) and I don't have a good relationship. At the time the Three Letter Fun happened I thought we were dating, but found out the week after that he didn't see it as that. I'm wondering when he was going to tell me. I had to ask him one day.

FOB has suggested marriage but even if I was in love with the man I would have said no. I don't believe in a couple marrying due to a pregnancy. If the marriage doesn't work out then you've just created yet another divorce and it's a sure way for a parent to feel resentment of a child. I will not subject myself to a marriage I know will not work and I will not subject my child to any misdirected negative feelings from me or FOB. I put myself in there as well because I know I'm not perfect and I sometimes can't help sudden thoughts or feelings.

There will be more on what's going on with me and FOB later.

Now for the last part to this ridiculously long intro. The name of my blog, Beauty in the World, comes from the song with the same name by Macy Gray. Here's a link to the song on YouTube:

If there is an ad at the beginning, sorry, no control over that. It's a song that makes me happy and really reflects how I feel about everything. When I was younger I used to hear so many women wanting to hold off on getting pregnant because of how awful the world was. They didn't want to bring a child into such a horrible place. Every time I heard that I just couldn't understand how they could focus on the bad things when there was so much good to be seen. Yes the state of the world seems bad, but if you look, you'll find so many good things that the bad doesn't seem so huge anymore.

I'm all about the little things. Like today for instance, it was raining and it's all gross outside. I was having issues with FOB yet again, too. I got hungry and decided to go to the store to get some vegetable soup (one of three soups I will eat) and some American cheese for grilled cheese. As I was walking around I saw a worker leading a group of first graders through the store, having the raise their arms like airplanes as she talked to them about her job and how the store works. That made me smile. I saw these cute water bottles with the tops that flip open to reveal rubber straws. The tops were animal heads. They had a blue bear, a green frog, a pink tiger, and a purple monkey. I think had anyone walked by and saw the goofy grin on my face they would have thought I was mentally handicapped, getting so much joy from such a simple thing. And then I saw some awesome plastic cups with matching plates and bowls.  By the time I left the store I was in a very good mood, which was awesome because I've been seriously depressed for the past week.

You just can't focus on the bad things. You have to look for the little things that make you smile, because there are so many of them. This pregnancy being one of them for me. Despite how horrible things are with FOB and my being single and having to live with my mom due to losing a job last year (though I do have a job now), this pregnancy is such a beautiful thing and the little one that results in it will be the light of my life and I know that when I'm fed up with everything, including my baby, I can just look at it and see the innocence and beauty in my child and be happy again.