Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Another Two Weeks

I'm seriously depressed right now.

I was so excited today to go see my baby and find out the gender. I painted my toenails since it's warm enough for flip flops and the old paint is still on the nails in bits. I shaved my legs, I put on my skirt and a cute top with the jacket thing over it. Figured I'd make myself look as good as I feel.

I went to town, completely happy, listening to my iPod. I thought it was funny I managed to get there at exactly 5:45pm. I wanted to get there 15 minutes early just in case. My mom even took some time in town to wash her car so she could be there to see. She got off work at 5pm so she had to find something to do before the ultrasound.

Not long after she got to the place, the ultrasound tech went behind the counter and looked at something and then asked me, "You're 16 weeks?" I said I was plus a few days. She then apologized and said that the insurance may not pay for two bills that have the same procedure name on them. So they had to reschedule me for at least 18 weeks.

The scan they do for gender isn't actually to see the gender, it's just a perk. The scan is to check how the organs and whatnot are coming along, which is why they want to wait so long. They have to make sure everything is big enough for them to see.

But I can't help but feel incredibly sad. Yes I was excited to find out the gender, but seeing my baby again was really the best thing about it. I feel like I was jipped(sp?).

I haven't posted about it on the Just Mommies site I go to or on the November DDC group on Facebook. I don't mind posting it here, but that's only because I don't expect any responses. I don't want any responses to this post. I don't want to hear people tell me they're sorry I couldn't see the baby. I don't want to hear, "But at least it's only two weeks and not four." I just wanted to see my baby. I've maybe felt movement, but it's so slight it's hard to tell and I've only felt the one kick. I try to see if I can make the baby kick but nothing happens.

It really sucks. I can only hope that two weeks goes by fast. It's only been two weeks since I had that ultrasound with the nurse midwife, but it feels like forever ago. Maybe part of the way I feel right now is hormones, but still. And I don't care about all the reasoning and whatnot, I know all of it and I still feel like shit.

I don't know if I'll feel up to telling everyone tomorrow. I just kind of wish I could not say anything and they'd leave it at that. But I know, eventually, someone will ask about it. It was bad enough having to tell my sisters I didn't get it done today. I just don't want to talk to anyone about it.

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