Wednesday, April 27, 2011


So I'm posting this now because the best thing just happened a little bit ago with him. I'm hoping I don't jinx it, though. This is the backstory:

Last summer I met him while seeing one of his friends. Now I'd been with his friend since March but his friend had commitment issues and so didn't see us as dating but wanted all the benefits from it. I was only able to get away from the friend thanks to taking an interest in FOB. I was able to tell the friend to leave me alone and FOB was able to back me up cause the friend knew FOB wouldn't think twice about beating on him to get him point across should the guy refuse to do as I asked.

Things were wonderful! It'd been so long since I had a man give me good attention and just be with me. He was so incredibly sweet and respectful of my boundaries. I had to go to North Carolina for two weeks shortly after I started seeing him. While there we talked every day and it was all we could do to not tell each other we loved the other one. It just felt THAT great. Of course I was completely mistaking my feelings, yet again.

When I got back, he met me at the airport with a dozen roses. Things were great for about a month but very slowly he began to change, or really, he began to show his true self. He began talking down to me, making me feel like I was stupid. He yelled quite a bit, he blew things out of proportion, he began to become controlling, etc.

In October I tried to break up with him, but after having spent every day with him (not bothering to really go back to my apartment except for clothes), having to be alone was torture. So I went back to him, like an idiot. But things didn't get better. In November we were in the kitchen talking about cooking and breakfast. I was telling him about how I can't fry things in a frying pan, I just suck at it. So cooking bacon or sausage patties doesn't work for me. I told him how I tried cooking bacon in the oven but it just didn't taste the same. All of the sudden he just blew up! He started yelling at me. "I'm so sick and tired of people cooking bacon in the oven! You DON'T cook bacon in the oven! It's not right. It's like putting milk in eggs!" He went on for a little bit more. I just stood there, somewhat pissed and somewhat afraid because he was yelling. I have a fear of men yelling so I normally gravitate towards the quiet, calm guys.

When he was done I grabbed a towel and went to take a shower. When I was done I was fully angry. He noticed and asked from the couch the conversation went like this:

"Are you angry?"
"Oh gee, I wonder why?"
"Not about the bacon thing?"
"No, not about the bacon thing. I'm upset that you started yelling at me about it. For no reason!"
"I wasn't yelling at you!"
"Then what do you call it?"
By this time I was getting my shoes on because I had been planning to go somewhere before the whole mess. He took this opportunity to tell me not to come back. That was a problem of his, if he was angry with me, he'd kick me out. At this time I still had my apartment but I was busy cleaning it out since I had to give it up because I'd lost my job a month before. So I left and went to a local coffee house to get on the internet and cool down. Along the way I decided I'd had enough and called my mom, crying, telling her I had to move back in, that I was breaking up with the guy. After a while he texted me asking if we were through and I said yes and he asked why and I told him.

For a while we didn't talk, but then in December we started talking again and I started going over to hang out. But I still didn't want to be in a relationship with him. Then, one day, he asked me if I loved him and I told him the truth. I told him that I cared about him as a human being but romantically I hadn't loved him for quite a while. In truth I really never loved him. I was just so starved for the right kind of attention I was fooling myself. He got mad about it and stopped talking to me for about a month. What a glorious month it was.

Then, around the time I began hanging out with this one guy friend, FOB started texting me again. I decided to be nice and chat and eventually began hanging out with him again. Then the day came when I found out the man  refer to as my ex, the only man I've ever truly loved, had a new girlfriend. It wasn't the girlfriend part that hurt. It was what was between the lines of when he told me. He didn't trust me not to try and break him up so I could have him and pretty much by telling me he had a girlfriend he was saying back off. He said we could be friends but he had been treating me like someone I won't mention. But to put it simply, I was someone to be tolerated, not a friend. That's what hurt.

So I went to FOB and asked him if he still wanted to be with me. After a bit of thinking he said yeah. But then one day I went to hang out with my guy friend and this upset him because a rumor had been spread around town that I'd been sleeping with said friend. He started acting strangely and finally, one day I asked him where we stood. According to him we weren't dating. He'd never bothered to say so. We still had been doing things like we were. I found this out the week after I had conceived. By then it had been two weeks since the Three Letter Fun had taken place. I wouldn't find out for another week that I was pregnant.

When I found out, the first thought in my head was that FOB would never know. He'd made comments about how he was never going have another kid. That some stairs or a well place elbow or knee would keep that from happening should I or some other chick get pregnant. So of course I feared for my safety and the safety of my child. FOB says he was joking when he said those things. But that was just the first time he'd said them.

I struggled with doing what I thought was right and telling him and following my instincts and not telling him. Eventually there was a night where he good side showed through and when I got home that night I told him through text, sending him a picture of the positive pregnancy test. He freaked out and called me, already in the first stages of a panic attack. I felt awful for putting him under so much distress. I never wanted that. I managed to convince him the next day that he wouldn't have to pay child support, I'd make sure of that. He didn't talk to me for a few days, though.

When he did, he said he'd like to be there during the pregnancy, which made me cry. It was sweet. But as I had lunch with him over a week later, I saw he wasn't changed at all. He told me about a dream he'd had where we were married and life was good and our child was cute and chubby and had the bluest eyes he'd ever seen. He said at that lunch that he wanted to make an honest woman out of me and marry me if things seemed good in a few months when he got back from his trip to Arizona.

But then he made what he said was a joke, saying that if it was a girl, he wanted nothing to do with the baby or me. But if it was a boy, I'd never get rid of him. I started praying right there that it'd be a girl. Then as he rode with me while I went to the bank we got to talking about things we had to put on hold now because of the baby. I had been in the middle of applying to college for Japanese studies. It requires me to spend a year studying abroad in Japan. Can't do that with a child. He said I could still do that, that there was still plenty of ice on the ground and I could slip and fall, with a little help from him of course. He claimed this was a joke as well. I learned a long time ago the saying, "Many a truth is said in jest," and I'm amazed to keep seeing how true it is. I find myself doing it quite a lot.

I did tell him what I thought of those "jokes" even though it was a few days later when we were arguing through texts. That was the first time I told him I wanted space and I had no feelings for him.

I don't know why I kept answering his texts and believing him when he said he missed me and wanted to really try and make things work. I already knew I'd never marry him or date him, but getting along with him was best for the child. So I tried. But I kept not being able to stick to my guns and allowing myself to act like we were together. But during those times I could tell he really didn't want anything to do with the baby. He always changed the subject of the pregnancy if I started it and pretty much acted like I wasn't growing a child inside of me.

Then one day we had lunch again and he was being a butthead the entire time. Just not talking much and giving off a mopey vibe. At one point he said we should hold off on being in a relationship because he felt that while he was in Arizona he'd sleep with this woman he'd been in an emotional relationship with for years now. This is the woman he once told me about and said that should she ever tell him she wanted to be with him, he'd drop everything, including me, and go to be with her. This was while we were dating and things were still fairly good.

I kept my mouth shut at that point, because all I wanted to do was yell at him about how stupid he was and that he couldn't possibly want to marry me if he felt he was going to go sleep with some other chick. But then, after a few minutes of silence he blurted out, "How can we be just friends when you're carrying my child?" I almost snorted to that.

I told him, yet again, about my feelings and that he really shouldn't talk when he's the one talking about sleeping with someone else.

Things were pretty much like that for a week or two. Then one day last week he pissed me off and I told him I wanted my space and stopped answering his texts. He said ok but still continued to text me in the morning and at night before bed. Then, Easter was the first time he talked about the baby willingly. He texted me and wished me a happy Easter and said to make sure to feed our peanut well. I ignored it. Then, two days ago he texted me with this pitiful text about how sorry he was and how much of ass he's been and he wants so badly to make it up to me but he's not sure if I'll ever talk to him again. I took pity on him and answered him. Then, yesterday I was incredibly bored and so went to hang out with him.

When I got there, he started in on me about seeing other guys. He told me I couldn't do that and if I did he'd find the guy and beat the shit out of him. Then, later he was asking me about why I was there and I jokingly said, "I'm bored." Here's an example of my truth in jest saying. But even if it was really a joke, it wouldn't have mattered. He took offense to it and proceeded to tell me that his name wasn't going on the birth certificate. In my head I was thinking, "I wasn't planning on it anyways." But I was just mad about him trying to tell me what to do. Trying to control me with his aggressiveness.

I left last night when the movie ended and he'd finished looking at a funny blog I'd told him about and he'd put in a video game, saying he was going to go to bed soon. I didn't just up and leave. I got my things together, put my shoes on and told him to have fun to which he replied the same. I didn't rush it, I took my time. But still, when I got home he texted me asking why I just up and left. This must've been the millionth time he's done this. I don't see why I need to make a big show of leaving and explain myself to him. So I ignored him.

This morning I wrote an e-mail to him, laying down the law. Here's the e-mail:

I am honestly tired of doing this. I'm so tired of telling you to give me my space and you say ok and then still text me saying you miss me and whatnot. I'm tired of trying to be nice to you and deciding to hang out thinking it'll be fine this time and then sometime into the time I'm hanging out with you you go and say stuff that bothers me or makes me angry and makes me regret being so nice.

Yes this is what happened last night. First the territorial comment pissed me off. If I EVER find you trying to scare away a guy who has taken an interest in me I will pack up and move so fast it'll make your head spin. You need to get one thing straight, I do NOT marry a guy because he got me pregnant. I find that "doing the right thing" mentality a load of crap and wish parents would teach their children better. Doing the right thing doesn't necessarily mean marriage. It just means taking responsibility and helping out.

Another thing is that I have already decided, firmly, that I will not marry you. I'm sorry but there is absolutely nothing you can do to make me want to be with you. I know my cuddling with you and having sex with you probably confuses you, but I've already told you that cuddling is nice. But just so I don't confuse you any more, there will be no more cuddling and no more sex. Nothing along the lines of a relationship. We are not in a romantic relationship. I'm trying to be incredibly nice because you're a human being and deserve it. You do not want me to be totally honest because I can garantee you, you will not like it at all. So I'm trying to fix things so I don't have to feel like I'm hiding something from you. No more sex, no more cuddling. I don't want it. I've told you two or three times now that I have no romantic feelings towards you. Please respsect that and stop trying to win me over because you start trying and then you screw it up with some stupid joke you think is funny but is not funny at all and it bothers me, or you say something like you're territorial. I will not have you messing with my love life.

Second you were being a butt about my making a joke. You are such a hypocrite. You sit there and make horrible jokes to me and get pissed when I take offense to them but you turn around and get offended by some joke I've made and if I say anything about it you get mad, like I have no right to be angry over you being offended. I'm so tired of that part of your personality. You do it to me and you do it to your son, which pisses me off to no end. You're just like my dad in that way and I loathed it when my dad was like that. It's hurtful to a kid whether the kid shows it or not. And if you want to know why I think you do this to your son: You'll sit there and let's say poke him over and over and over again. He asks you to stop in a nice tone but you just keep doing it. It begins to actually make him mad and he keeps telling you to stop. Finally you've pissed him off enough to make him yell at you which then makes you angry because kids shouldn't talk to their parents or adults that way so you yell at him and punish him. Or lets say you're poking him over and over and he decides to give it right back to you and it begins to irritate you so you ask him to stop. He doesn't thinking it's funny, and keeps doing it. Eventually it pisses you off so you yell at him and shove him or throw him off you or something that's punishing him for doing the exact same thing you've done to him. You can't stand it but the thing is that you've taught him to not quit after someone says stop. And I know this is going to piss you off because you feel I'm telling you how to raise your kid, but I'm not. I'm merely stating an observance.

Another thing is that in order for me to be in a relationship with someone I like to have some thoughts that are solely mine. If they're not ruining the relationship and if they aren't harmful to my partner, I see no reason why I have to divulge every single little thing that's in my head. My depression is my problem and the reasons for it are mine and no one else's. And yes, you are part of the reason I'm depressed but not all of it. The reason you're part of it is because I hate feeling like I'm leading you on by being nice to you. So that's why I'm telling you now that I will never marry you and I will never be with you in a romantic way, ever. If I cannot make it through a few hours with you, what makes you think I'd want to commit my life to you? I'm trying to keep a divorce from happening. You know you would not be able to stand me.

So all I'm going to do to prove to you that I will not ask for child support is to write something saying I will not ask for it and I will sign it and keep a copy for myself and give one to you. Most likely a notary willl not notarize something like that. But if you can find one that will, cool, then you can shell out the cash to have it done. And the second thing I will do is not put your name on the birth certificate. I may not ask for child support but should I go to apply for some government assistance that they feel I wouldn't have to ask for if I got child support, they would immediately find the birth certificate and see your name and everything on it and if they see fit to do it, they will make you pay it. But if your name is not on it, they can't prove that I know the father.

Now, I will never deny you the right to see your child should you want to see it (unless I have a very good reason to say no at the time), but I will not have my life revolve around you. That means if I were to get married and have to move I will tell you, but I will not be asking you. In my mind, no offense, this is MY child. I didn't have to tell you about it and in fact the first thought that popped into my head when I found out was that you'd never know. But I did anyway and I regret that decision every single day. It sounds awful but the reason I do is because of the mess you've put me through over this. I am so freaking stressed out thanks to you that it's not even funny. I can't go a day without feeling like this.

I'm sorry if this made you angry or upset at all but you want me to stand up for myself and I am doing it.


He read it when he got home from work. When he finished he texted me with, "You're right, you shouldn't have told me. Have a nice life Sarah." But then an hour and a half later he texted again and this is what was said between us:

FOB: "So you're gonna leave me off the birth cert. and you don't want anything from me? It's YOUR baby?
Me: "Leaving you off the birth certificate is the easiest thing to do so you won't have to pay child support. I told you the day I told you about the baby that I didn't want anything from you. It's up to you whether you want any part in the kid's life. And for the most part, yes, I see this as my baby because I'll be the provider and it's only been in the last few days that you talked about the baby without being forced to. Before that it was like you weren't even acknowledging it.
FOB: "Cause I don't see the point of having a kid without it." (This was what I got while typing up what my reply was.)
Me: "Not all families have both parents around 24/7."
FOB: "Well it's the way I want it to be." (Now I might mention that he's got a son who lives with the mother and his best friend who married the chick, and a daughter who's in foster care due to that mother being abusive and CPS being stupid)
Me: "Well I'm sorry but I'm not willing to give up my life like that. I don't want to be in a relationship like your ex and your friend where I'm constantly fighting with my partner about trivial things or about what to do about the kids or money. I want a partner who can talk rationally in an argument and not yell and make things escalate. I want a partner who shares my views or compromises about how to raise the kids. I want someone who I can do more things with than watch a few movies. I want someone who actually loves me. I want someone who doesn't sit there and tell me what I can and can't do then expects me to stand up for myself. I should have to be aggressive to be happy. And I want someone who can have/wants more kids. I don't want just one child. I want someone who's kind and thoughtful and  makes me feel safe and puts others before himself. And that's just the stuff off the top of my head."
FOB: "So you're looking for gay guys?"
Me: "Believe it or not, I had that once and I let it get away. Despite his quirks with trust and money and whatnot, he was the most amazing, loving, caring, thoughtful, understanding man I've ever met. He shared my views in nearly everything and we had lots of things we loved to do together. And I know there are others out there like him and are just as straight as he is."
FOB: "Have fun then. Don't ask me for nothing then. You've turned me into a sperm donor. I woulda done what I could to make you happy.
Me: "Don't worry, I won't. And I know you could have tried and that's sweet but we both know we wuld never last and while we did it'd be one never ending battle."
FOB: "That's what I know. It's the way I was raised and who I am."
Me: "I know and that's something else. In order to me with you, I'd want you to change adn I try to make sure I'm never with anyone who I feel should change. That's wrong. I should like who they are already. I'm sorry you had to deal with all this and I hope things go well for you from now on."

He hasn't texted back. I can only hope that's the last I hear from him. Pleeeeaaase God, let that be it! But this is the amazing thing that has happened. For now, at least, he's gone! I'll be praying every night it stays that way.

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