Friday, November 25, 2011


Someday I will post all the goings on of the past two weeks. Maybe tomorrow, who knows? Until then...

During the day I'm fine. But when it comes time for my little man (yes, it's a boy ^_^) to sleep and for me to sleep as well, I start feeling panicky. I try to shut my brain off but by late evening I'm fully awake. At the hospital I wasn't going to bed until 2am. I manage to get some sleep between 8am and noon. Last night I got about four hours after midnight and then little cat naps from 4am to 11am when I gave him to my mom so I could take an actual nap for two hours.

So by night time I don't want to sleep. And while I'm lying in bed, trying to force myself to stop thinking, thinking is all I can do. Like how the hell did I get into all this? How am I going to do everything? I've got such a long road ahead of me. I mean I knew what was coming, but still. I don't do well with change. I miss my big pregnant belly. I wish I could go back and the labor and delivery could be different- could go the way I had wanted.

And Thursday morning my middle sister went home to Oregon. She was such a big help and I miss her so much. I wish she lived here. I got really lucky last night that my baby, his name is William, did so well. The first two nights at home were a terror and I really needed my sister. My mom said that when my sister left she'd sleep in the guest bedroom for a bit, but she hasn't. In a way I feel so alone in all of this. I should have been married, like I had planned. Nothing about having a child went the way I had planned it. From being single to not getting to give birth at the birthing center, to the way labor and delivery went, to the stuff after he was born. How does anyone do it?

And with needed sleep in the early morning, I don't eat breakfast. Thursday I ate only once. Today I would have eaten only once but I realized I hadn't eaten much and so made myself some cereal. I just don't know where the time is during the day to do anything. My sister helped me get my room re-situated so it has more room to move around in and was cleaner. Now it's a total mess from having to search for stuff I needed at the hospital and need here, getting clothes for William, clothes for myself, etc. I don't know when I'll be able to organize it all again. And I try to sleep when he sleeps but it's so hard.

I'm afraid I won't even begin to have things settled by the time January hits and I have to start looking for a job. What the hell am I gonna do? I've got a daycare lined up, but still. And the only help I have is my mom whose schedule can be 8-5 or 9-6 or 7-4. My mom wants me to go for a full-time job but I just don't know how I'm going to handle working full time and raising a child on my own. I know this is all just new mom stuff and eventually things will get better and easier to deal with as I figure things out, but for now, it's all so crazy and I'm scared and I really wish my middle sister was here. Well, I wish both of my sisters were here. It's not fair we're all separated.

*sigh* I almost wish I could fast forward to when I've got things figured out.

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